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♫~°~♪~°~Melodic Interval~°~♪~°~♫~Perchè evitiamo quella verità che niente dura per sempre?~ August 14 *~Reasons~* *~Reasons~* There's a reason for every forced smile And I'm getting close to finding that answer. There's a reason I've been through these trials. What doesn't kill me will make me stronger. I strive to perfect that illusion I wear While searching for a way to break this spell. For believing in something that wasn't there, I hate myself for how quickly I tripped and fell. It's not worth crying over my own pain. I'd rather save my tears for someone worthy. Though I admit my heart won't be the same Because someone came and almost freed me. I want to show him I can truly smile Because the next time we meet may be the last. To appear invincible, that's my style. I want to be able to laugh at what has passed. There's a reason for everything though it seems so unfair. I came so close this time to finding someone who cares. ♫~Elaine~♫ August 01 *~Keep Wishing~**~Keep Wishing~* If I keep staring at the sky Will I see a shooting star? If I maintain the dream to fly Can I magically grow wings? All these moments spent in wishing Gnaws at this slowly fading heart. How many hours were spent sighing, waiting? Can you hear how steadily my melancholy sings? I'm tired but I dare not close my eyes. For the chance of a wish, I can't look away. There's a lesson behind those nights I cried. If I continue to wish it'll come true someday. Even though the stars don't shine brightly for me I don't know how to give in- I dream automatically. ~Elaine~ July 07 *~Smile~* *~Smile~* Selfishly she tries to hold on to each moment--- Each moment in which she can laugh effortlessly. If she continues to smile through hours of silence Then that one dream can also dissolve gradually. I wish there was a way for me to help her But she misunderstands and twists what I say. She hides behind that cheerful exterior... "I am happy," she tells herself everyday. She has accepted her inability to win This battle between the heart and mind. Everything she does ends up being for him--- In spite of herself she can't leave it behind. Are people like her...rare in this time and place? Most people can't see through that smile on her face. ♫~Elaine~♫ July 05 *~A Song~* *~A Song~* There's a song drifting through my window And I waver between dream and reality. Would anyone care to hear my solo Accompanied by a make-believe symphony? We can never experience total darkness Yet we sometimes forget the smallest light. It is not possible for me to be emotionless But my heart no longer feels like taking flight. No one can escape without telling a lie--- I try to rationalize what I do for that person. I waver between really saying good-bye And following the path to my self-destruction. Through the window a song reaches my ears--- The same haunting tune follows me through the years. ♫~Elaine~♫ May 28 ...I let my guard down....-_-... *~You. Again~* Your voice always sounds the same No matter how long we haven't spoken. I thought my heart could forget your name. I was wrong to follow the dream, And stupid for walking in deeper. I shouldn't wonder what it might mean. I'm not sure if I feel relieved Or disappointed with your absence. My mask could have been believed. Hearing you speak again tonight was enough To bring me back to this place where I'm struggling. I'm disappointed that I couldn't keep up the bluff. Now I wonder if it showed on my face And whether you could hear it in my voice. Of course it's impossible for you to be erased. The way you spoke to me made me think... Did you want to talk to me a little longer? I was scared, again, that my heart would sink. My eyes were stinging with a single tear- A tear that refused to leave my eyes. I still only like you, and that's what I fear. I wish someone could break through and save me. *~Frustration~* I want to be happy So I try to make myself smile. I thought frowning took more effort. I want to cry sometimes But before the tears can fall I tell myself I'm being pitiful. There are memories I want to hold on to But they're already fading away. All that time spent with him seems like a distant dream. I want to call him but I'm afraid... I'm scared it will make it harder for me to change. No one says anything but I know they can tell. I wish I could cry, even just once. This feeling in between makes it hard to breathe. Even when I think I'm smiling convincingly, I know it's a lie. Being unable to cry is the most pitiful. Trying to keep smiling is too painful. I'm lost again, and it's frustrating. I don't understand why I can't stop caring. I accept my fate to be separate from his But then, why this reaction Just from hearing his voice again? ♫~Elaine~♫ Why. I thought I changed but I'm as weak as ever. A 1 minute phone conversation about nothing at all is enough to draw me back to this state again. I thought I was unable to cry but as soon as I started, I couldn't stop. I wondered why I was crying for no reason and it only made it worse. I hate being stupid. May 14 ~scritto 12 e 14 maggio *~Reply~* The ongoing theme of my life these days Relies upon waiting...waiting...what for? I don't know enough about you anymore. This was always a dream I shouldn't chase... My heart feels constricted but I can't cry. When did I start caring so much only for you? Why did it bother me, that thing you do... I know you read everything but there's no reply. My hands will still tremble when you come near But it's becoming clear that we won't meet... When you finally do reply, I can't just delete- I always reply and wait for yours, right here. You humor me by replying occasionally But my hopes are raised only to be brought down. You don't know how tightly my heart is bound. Do you do this to me intentionally? These feelings should have expired long ago. I don't understand why I have to keep you close. I don't know why the ones I love hurt me the most. Are you subconsciously or knowingly cold? Why won't you reply? Why can't I cry *~This Feeling...~* What do you call that feeling... How do you describe such discomfort? It can't be the same as dying... Yet something within seems to hurt. What do you call this idleness... How do you regain control of your mind? I can't have returned to this blindness When I was so ready to leave you behind. What meaning is there in the words... The messages you seem to reply reluctantly? Maybe this self-induced pain is absurd But who can blame an artist's own tragedy? Is there a name, a term for this feeling... An overflowing of emotions locked up inside? After spending so much time self denying When I need it the most, I'm unable to cry. My eyes forget, the tears will be trapped forever. What name do you give to this form of torture? ♫~Elaine~♫ May 11 ~ばかへ~ 本当の気持ち ~松たか子 (Matsu Takako) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WjITvu5J1o Watashi kitto anata wo suki ni wa naranai *~Circular Path~* *~Circular Path~* It may seem like I've been running in circles, Sometimes breaking free but always returning. Today, at least, I stopped believing in miracles. I think I'm convinced there's no point in waiting. I wish I didn't always end up like this But I'm a favored puppet in someone's hand Up above, someone pulls my strings with their fist Making it almost impossible for me to stand. I've wondered before and I wonder again, What misdeed I could've committed in my past life. Did I betray my country or kill innocent men? Maybe because I'm an artist I'm more prone to strife. I know how to pick the road that would hurt most. If I really were smart I'd avoid that dark path. My overly dedicated heart is not an asset to boast Even though it remains true when it's broken in half. The circular path that I'm traveling on Ascertains I can't stay content for long. ♫~Elaine~♫ May 08 *~I'll Try Not To...~* *~I'll Try Not To...~* I'll try not to believe in fairy tales anymore Because I know reality doesn't work that way. It's time for the childhood dreams to be ignored And to accept the fact that they're fading away. I'll try not to believe you're the Prince anymore --- The one who'd be different from all the rest. Any hope that you'd rescue me should be ignored. Maybe your presence was only a part of my test. I'll try not to believe that voice anymore --- Who whispers in my heart that I still care. Those thoughts, these feelings must be ignored. For me, to fall so far from my tower is rare. I shouldn't have looked beyond my stone window sill. Even though I say I won't wait, you know I still will. ♫~Elaine~♫ May 01 *~What to do...~* *~What to do...~* I can't help it---my façade breaks down. I can't hold up this act for that long. I'll try my best not to make a sound. I'll try to tell my heart you don't belong. Too many songs make me think of you. Too many cars drive by like you used to. Too many memories won't let me through But though you've returned, what can I do? I'm waiting futilely always for your call. I'm waiting because there's no choice. I can't help it---the deepest, hardest fall. I can't change the wish to hear your voice. I don't want to think of how you don't care. I don't want to think how my feelings are bared. I don't want to think of how you're never there When I need someone to hold me---only empty air. I always stay up asking no one in particular These same questions that float around inside: Wouldn't it be better for him to kill me faster? Was it really worth it to sacrifice my pride? I don't know anymore. What should I do? I've tried so hard but I'm still stuck on you. ♫~Elaine~♫ |
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