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    July 05

    *~A Song~*

    *~A Song~*

    There's a song drifting through my window
    And I waver between dream and reality.
    Would anyone care to hear my solo
    Accompanied by a make-believe symphony?

    We can never experience total darkness
    Yet we sometimes forget the smallest light.
    It is not possible for me to be emotionless
    But my heart no longer feels like taking flight.

    No one can escape without telling a lie---
    I try to rationalize what I do for that person.
    I waver between really saying good-bye
    And following the path to my self-destruction.

    Through the window a song reaches my ears---
    The same haunting tune follows me through the years.

    ~Elaine~
    May 28

    ...I let my guard down.

    ...-_-...

    *~You. Again~*


    Your voice always sounds the same
    No matter how long we haven't spoken.
    I thought my heart could forget your name.

    I was wrong to follow the dream,
    And stupid for walking in deeper.
    I shouldn't wonder what it might mean.

    I'm not sure if I feel relieved
    Or disappointed with your absence.
    My mask could have been believed.

    Hearing you speak again tonight was enough
    To bring me back to this place where I'm struggling.
    I'm disappointed that I couldn't keep up the bluff.

    Now I wonder if it showed on my face
    And whether you could hear it in my voice.
    Of course it's impossible for you to be erased.

    The way you spoke to me made me think...
    Did you want to talk to me a little longer?
    I was scared, again, that my heart would sink.

    My eyes were stinging with a single tear-
    A tear that refused to leave my eyes.
    I still only like you, and that's what I fear.

    I wish someone could break through and save me.


    *~Frustration~*

    I want to be happy
    So I try to make myself smile.
    I thought frowning took more effort.

    I want to cry sometimes
    But before the tears can fall
    I tell myself I'm being pitiful.

    There are memories I want to hold on to
    But they're already fading away.
    All that time spent with him seems like a distant dream.

    I want to call him but I'm afraid...
    I'm scared it will make it harder for me to change.
    No one says anything but I know they can tell.

    I wish I could cry, even just once.
    This feeling in between makes it hard to breathe.
    Even when I think I'm smiling convincingly, I know it's a lie.

    Being unable to cry is the most pitiful.
    Trying to keep smiling is too painful.
    I'm lost again, and it's frustrating.
    I don't understand why I can't stop caring.

    I accept my fate to be separate from his
    But then, why this reaction
    Just from hearing his voice again?


    ♫~Elaine~♫

    Why. I thought I changed but I'm as weak as ever. A 1 minute phone conversation about nothing at all is enough to draw me back to this state again. 
    I thought I was unable to cry but as soon as I started, I couldn't stop.  I wondered why I was crying for no reason and it only made it worse.  I hate being stupid. 
    May 14

    ~scritto 12 e 14 maggio

    *~Reply~*

    The ongoing theme of my life these days
    Relies upon waiting...waiting...what for?
    I don't know enough about you anymore.
    This was always a dream I shouldn't chase...

    My heart feels constricted but I can't cry.
    When did I start caring so much only for you?
    Why did it bother me, that thing you do...
    I know you read everything but there's no reply.

    My hands will still tremble when you come near
    But it's becoming clear that we won't meet...
    When you finally do reply, I can't just delete-
    I always reply and wait for yours, right here.

    You humor me by replying occasionally
    But my hopes are raised only to be brought down.
    You don't know how tightly my heart is bound.
    Do you do this to me intentionally?

    These feelings should have expired long ago.
    I don't understand why I have to keep you close.
    I don't know why the ones I love hurt me the most.
    Are you subconsciously or knowingly cold?

    Why won't you reply?
    Why can't I cry



    *~This Feeling...~*

    What do you call that feeling...
    How do you describe such discomfort?
    It can't be the same as dying...
    Yet something within seems to hurt.

    What do you call this idleness...
    How do you regain control of your mind?
    I can't have returned to this blindness
    When I was so ready to leave you behind.

    What meaning is there in the words...
    The messages you seem to reply reluctantly?
    Maybe this self-induced pain is absurd
    But who can blame an artist's own tragedy?

    Is there a name, a term for this feeling...
    An overflowing of emotions locked up inside?
    After spending so much time self denying
    When I need it the most, I'm unable to cry.

    My eyes forget, the tears will be trapped forever.
    What name do you give to this form of torture?

    ♫~Elaine~♫
    May 11

    ~ばかへ~

    本当の気持ち 松たか子 (Matsu Takako)
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WjITvu5J1o
    Watashi  kitto anata wo suki ni wa naranai
    Henji mo mijikai shi yasashikunai shi
    I'm sure that I won't love you
    Your replies are short and you're not kind


    Donna hito wo anata wa suki ni naru no kana
    Tabun machigai naku sore wa watashi ja nai
    I wonder what kind of person you will love
    Probably, without a doubt, it won't be me


    Mou sugu futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
    Ima anata no kami ga kaze ni sotto yureteru
    In a little while, the first summer will come to us
    Right now, my hair is being gently swayed by the breeze


    Demo kinou wakarete kara nandaka samishikute
    Anata no ato wo oikaketaku natta na
    Donna hito wo anata wa suki ni naru no kana
    Kangaehajimetara setsunaku natte kita
    But after we parted yesterday, I was kinda lonely
    and I wanted to go after you
    When I began to think about it, I got sad


    Mou sugu futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
    Natsu ga sugitemo anata wa mada yasashikunai kana
    In a little while, the first summer will come to us
    Even if summer passes by, I wonder if you still aren't kind


    Mou sugu futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
    Ima anata no sono tonari wo sotto aruiteru
    In a little while, the first summer will come to us
    Right now I'm walking quietly by your side

    Watashi ima wakatta no kitto anata wa chigau n da
    Hoka no hito to wa chigau n da ne
    I understand now, I'm sure you're different
    You're different from other people, aren't you


    Yasashikunakutemo sorede watashi kamawanai
    Even if you aren't kind, I don't mind

    Anata no soba ni zutto itai anata wo mitsumete itai
    Kono omoi wo tokihanatte sugu tsutaetai
    I want to be by your side forever,
    I want to gaze at you
    I'll set these feelings free; I want to tell you soon


    Me no mae ni iru watashi wo mite watashi itsumo konna dakedo
    Sono mama no anata wo kou shite suki ni natta no
    Look at me, who's right in front of you
    I'm always this way, but
    I got to like you the way you are


    Mou sugu futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
    Ima anata no sono tonari wo watashi aruiteru
    In a little while, the first summer will come to us
    Right now I'm walking by your side.


    *~Circular Path~*

    *~Circular Path~*

    It may seem like I've been running in circles,
    Sometimes breaking free but always returning.
    Today, at least,  I stopped believing in miracles.
    I think I'm convinced there's no point in waiting.

    I wish I didn't always end up like this
    But I'm a favored puppet in someone's hand
    Up above, someone pulls my strings with their fist
    Making it almost impossible for me to stand.

    I've wondered before and I wonder again,
    What misdeed I could've committed in my past life.
    Did I betray my country or kill innocent men?
    Maybe because I'm an artist I'm more prone to strife.

    I know how to pick the road that would hurt most.
    If I really were smart I'd avoid that dark path.
    My overly dedicated heart is not an asset to boast
    Even though it remains true when it's broken in half.

    The circular path that I'm traveling on
    Ascertains I can't stay content for long.

    ~Elaine~
    May 08

    *~I'll Try Not To...~*

    *~I'll Try Not To...~*

    I'll try not to believe in fairy tales anymore
    Because I know reality doesn't work that way.
    It's time for the childhood dreams to be ignored
    And to accept the fact that they're fading away.

    I'll try not to believe you're the Prince anymore ---
    The one who'd be different from all the rest.
    Any hope that you'd rescue me should be ignored.
    Maybe your presence was only a part of my test.

    I'll try not to believe that voice anymore ---
    Who whispers in my heart that I still care.
    Those thoughts, these feelings must be ignored.
    For me, to fall so far from my tower is rare.

    I shouldn't have looked beyond my stone window sill.
    Even though I say I won't wait, you know I still will.

    ~Elaine~
    May 01

    *~What to do...~*

    *~What to do...~*

    I can't help it---my façade breaks down.
    I can't hold up this act for that long.
    I'll try my best not to make a sound.
    I'll try to tell my heart you don't belong.

    Too many songs make me think of you.
    Too many cars drive by like you used to.
    Too many memories won't let me through
    But though you've returned, what can I do?

    I'm waiting futilely always for your call.
    I'm waiting because there's no choice.
    I can't help it---the deepest, hardest fall.
    I can't change the wish to hear your voice.

    I don't want to think of how you don't care.
    I don't want to think how my feelings are bared.
    I don't want to think of how you're never there
    When I need someone to hold me---only empty air.

    I always stay up asking no one in particular
    These same questions that float around inside:
    Wouldn't it be better for him to kill me faster?
    Was it really worth it to sacrifice my pride?

    I don't know anymore. What should I do?
    I've tried so hard but I'm still stuck on you.

    ♫~Elaine~♫
    April 28

    *~To Blame You~*

    un giorno più...

    *~To Blame You~*


    I fell down today ---
    Literally. Not figuratively.
    It's so easy to put the blame on you.

    Bleeding like this is okay.
    These cuts don't hurt so badly.
    The stinging helps take my mind off you.

    I'm waiting for this blood to clot.
    Real pain hurts less than I thought.

    The skin will heal one day,
    Unlike the hole you'll leave in me.
    Cleaning a wound is a painful thing to do.

    No bones were broken today.
    It's my own fault for treading carelessly.
    I wish it really was easy to always blame you.

    I'll pretend that my foot didn't get caught
    Because I was thinking of you as I walked.

    ~Elaine~
    April 26

    *~I.M.U.~*

    The structure of this one's a little different~ 8th day ~ ...

    *~I.M.U.~*


    Knowing nothing about how you feel
    All I can do is go on like always.
    Maybe you'll eventually change your mind.

    I will miss you as long as I can't heal.

    More than anyone else before you
    I think it's you I'll remember always
    So even if you choose to stay behind
    Someone here will still care about you.

    Yes, I know you've only been gone a few days.
    Only a dumb girl gets confused with what's real.
    Unlikely to change, I won't leave you behind.

    Barely able to stand by my lie
    All the others are hiding their pity.
    Knowing nothing about how you feel,
    All I can do is go on like always.

    ♫~Elaine~♫
    April 23

    *~1000 Faces~*

    *~1000 Faces~*

    From her balcony she could see them all:
    One thousand choices gathered before her,
    But none of them had the power to make her fall
    Because she did not wish to do so any longer.

    There were those who pitied their Princess
    Who insisted sincerely that all was well.
    There were those who believed she was hopeless
    But in the end no one could really tell.

    Within the crowd of one thousand faces,
    She won't look too closely in case he is there.
    She would remember how her heart races
    If she saw him again ~a dream so rare.

    Five days go by as she forces herself to see without seeing.
    She reassures her people that a good change is happening.

    ♫~Elaine~♫
    April 22

    *~No One~*

    *~No One~*

    I'm beginning to see a light in this tunnel.
    It makes no sense to keep digging deeper.
    It's as if I was seeing you through a funnel.
    Other than you, everyone else was a blur.

    There is only so much a heart can take
    Before it shuts down and stops feeling.
    It is at this point that the brain will wake
    And the ice inside will start reforming.

    I believe I've found a favorable solution
    That will revive my common sense:
    Whenever you're near there's always confusion,
    So I'll try harder to keep my distance.

    No one should be more important to me than me.
    I've been neglecting myself for you stupidly.

    ~Elaine~
    April 21

    *~Even Starlight Fades Eventually~*

    *~Even Starlight Fades Eventually~*

    Even starlight fades eventually
    As the energy is lost to space.
    Even if I wish to wait for you eternally
    One day you will be replaced.

    What is the difference between three days, three light years?
    There is no immediate need to make this pain disappear.

    Even a stone will melt eventually
    When enough force is applied.
    I still pray your heart will change for me
    But I'll patiently take it all in stride.

    The life of a star: is it too short or too long?
    Will you and I be able to forget that one song?

    Even the oceans will dry up eventually.
    In this world changes are inevitable.
    Even my tears won't be able to fall endlessly.
    Soon I'll realize my stupidity is laughable.

    Do you think I'm capable of outliving the star?
    When you look, you'll still see my light from afar.

    ~Elaine~
    April 20

    *~The Dreamer~*

    *~The Dreamer~*

    I tend to be the dreamer
    Always hoping for love to find her.
    I try to become stronger
    Only to find myself falling faster.

    My life is not bad, in reality
    But i make myself suffer subconsciously.
    Why do I always fall so completely?
    How is it possible, I still dream wistfully?

    I have to pretend I'm happy this way
    So that you can still be here, so that you'll stay.
    My heart holds on to each word you say.
    Because of you I end up thinking too much every day.

    I can't stop being the dreamer who falls in too deeply.
    I'm sorry I still dream you'll be the one who'll save me.

    ~Elaine~♫   

    *~My Problem~*

    *~My Problem~*

    I can blame you all I want
    But deep down I know it's my own problem.
    I let myself down by letting you in.
    My head couldn't hold on to logic and reason.

    From now until whenever
    I know you'll be important in my eyes
    But you won't hear these words
    I choose to try so hard to shut up inside.

    It may seem sad to think about
    How little you know and how you don't seem to care
    But the saddest thing of all
    Is I'm letting myself feel something you don't share.

    While you're away this can be my test.
    How long can my heart survive without hearing from you?
    I'll try my best to keep everything hidden
    But these words will still form when there's nothing to do.

    It's my problem - I should keep it inside and hold on to it selfishly.
    Even if you knew, nothing would change between you and me.

    ♫~Elaine~♫
    April 19

    *~Does it Really Matter?~*

    *~Does it Really Matter?~*

    How many days have gone by since his departure?
    It does not matter how often she checks the calendar.
    She wonders what she did to deserve every thorn---
    Each dream draws near only to be torn.

    With only herself to blame she keeps on waiting ---
    If only she created a stronger fortress in the beginning
    No one should have been able to unbind her.
    No one should have ever been able to move her.

    How many days before he'll return once more?
    The days still continue unchanged as before.
    In her cold stone chamber she remains unmoved
    As her knight's existence goes on unproved.

    She is forced subconsciously to think of him only.
    Every few minutes his image crosses her mind briefly.
    Allowing her mind to wander near his dream,
    She stabs her own wounds from within.

    How many days since their words were exchanged?
    Does it really matter if his heart cannot be changed?

    ~Elaine~

    now I should be able to study haha... -_-'
    April 17

    *~Waiting for the Rain~*

    *~Waiting for the Rain~*

    A figure is seated over there in the distance.
    She seems to be waiting for something.
    She sits there for hours with the same expression...
    Her face...Would you call it smiling?

    The wind whips her hair out of place
    But she keeps staring ahead.
    I see the same frozen smile on her face
    As her eyes slowly turn red.

    I run to her as dark clouds are coming
    But the rain is what she's waiting for.
    When tears from the sky begin descending
    She won't have to hide hers anymore.

    Two figures are seated, veiled by rain water.
    I watch droplets fall from her eyes and shatter.

    ~Elaine~
    April 16

    *~Unable~*

    *~Unable~*

    Unable to change the expression on her face
    On days spent by herself
    She struggles to keep her smile in place
    Just in case he is looking her way.

    She tries to become someone who he'll chase.
    Unable to find another way
    She will keep waiting, just in case,
    Her patience proves worthwhile.

    She appreciates the empty space
    He'll surely leave someday.
    She won't be able to forget his face
    Even long after she must leave.

    Because his presence is something special,
    For the time being she'll choose to be hopeful.

    ~Elaine~


    Don't worry~ it's just a poem ^_^ Everything is ok now
    Soon exams will be over and I can paint again~
    I can immerse myself in novels again~
    I can focus on my beloved language studies again~
    I can resurrect my Yamapi dream again~
    I can watch dramas again~
    Everyone deserves to be happy ^_^ Everyone should be happy~
    Smiling takes less energy than frowning~

    so...in the words of Josh Groban (and Charlie Chapman)....

    ♫ ~Smile though your heart is aching
    Smile even though it's breaking~
    When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.
    If you smile through your fear and sorrow
    Smile and maybe tomorrow
    You'll see the sun come shining through for you

    Light up your face with gladness
    Hide every trace of sadness
    Although a tear may be ever so near
    That's the time you must keep on trying
    Smile what's the use of crying
    You'll find that life is still worthwhile

    If you just smile. ~♫

    ^_^


    April 15

    *~I'm not Smart~*

    *~I'm not Smart~*

    I only wish that my meaningless messages
    Can make you laugh -or at least smile.
    I send you words on a one-way express
    Not expecting to receive any reply.

    I'm still waiting for the day I realize
    How stupid I'm being right now.
    One day I'll stop thinking only of you
    But I haven't yet figured out how.

    The time spent together with you
    Passes by so quickly each day.
    I'm satisfied to keep on waiting
    For the off-chance you'll ask me to stay.

    I know I don't hold the same place in your heart
    But I can't not like you, I'm not that smart.


    ~Elaine~
    April 13

    heh.

    心が痛い

    でも

    泣けられない。

    I should watch Bambi. heh.
    April 12

    ~Some favourite songs by 衛蘭

    主角愛你

    讓我試過與喬峰擁抱 先知浪漫誰造 
    過去我心所傾慕 都不聽我傾訴 
    讀過了色戒才看到 
    要愛恨情慾中跳舞 
    難道我所得到的都不夠好 

    誰要我在小說內尋開心 比世界更逼真 
    戀愛要似 這樣才甘心 不必浪費光陰 
    誰會想在書裏夢遊今生 才知怎麼先叫動人 
    擁抱著 主角靈魂 
    尋回幸福感 找不到那位更合襯  

    習慣每次告別的感慨 怎知密運存在 
    跳進了喜寶心內 犧牲得更精彩 
    讓我靠主角嚐透愛 不奢望誰願給我愛 
    尋玩世間不捨得將書放開 

    誰要我在小說內尋開心 比世界更逼真 
    戀愛要似 這樣才甘心 不必浪費光陰
    誰會想在書裏夢遊今生 才知怎麼先叫動人 
    擁抱著 主角靈魂
    尋回幸福感 找不到那位更合襯 

    道理簡 幻覺真 就靠小說帶我去擁有別人 
    無數個主角 縱使雙方也得到快感 
    饒恕我在小說內尋開心 比世界更逼真 
    戀愛要似這樣才甘心 比深雪更加深 

    誰會想在書裏夢遊今生 
    曾虛構著動魄驚心 
    主角昰 不會害人 
    只抱恨 沒有真人 
    跟我在 湖水中 吻一吻


    Reality


    Met you by surprise
    I didn't realize that my life would change forever
    Saw you standing there
    I didn't know I cared
    There was something special in the air

    Dreams are my reality
    The only kind of real fantasy
    Illusions are a common thing
    I try to live in dreams
    It seems as if it's meant to be

    Dreams are my reality
    A different kind of reality
    I dream of loving in the night
    And loving seems alright
    Although it's only fantasy

    If you do exist
    Honey don't resist
    Show me a new way of loving
    Tell me that it's true
    Show me what to do
    I feel something special about you

    Dreams are my reality
    A wondrous world where I like to be
    Illusions are a common thing
    I try to live in dreams
    Although it's only fantasy

    Dreams are my reality
    I like to dream of you close to me
    I dream of loving in the night
    And loving you seems right
    Perhaps that's my reality

    你知道我在等你們分手嗎

    我很關心你跟她 相處得稱心嗎
    沒任何衝突嗎 不過 不過 想補充一句
    (我哋開頭都係咁架喇)

    如果她有福氣 未妒忌 別妒忌
    讓我暫時地祝賀你
    等你 分離 隨時準備
    誰人來殘酷報喜

    *知你無本心 有日到她死心
    我未會灰心 不怕受過的教訓
    願意在呆等 不忠愛人
    回頭負你責任 知你
    曾花心 愛著你很驚心 卻又覺開心
    得我願意受你苦困
    我為何肯 等個舊人

    誰叫我 不甘心 等到怕了都等

    等等等還等 忍忍忍仍忍

    我很清楚你的家 她可知那梳化
    是共誰選擇嗎 可笑 可怕 只敢想一下
    (可能你會返嚟呢)

    如她給你拋棄 別顧忌 別顧忌
    尚有笨人在等待你
    等你 分離 又再一起
    猶如輪班去就你

    REPEAT*

    還錯過 多少的 親吻
    內疚地 耐心地 靜盼愛反悔的你
    你似是和她 朝晚未離
    我也有信心等你

    等你 尋開心 最後變出傷心 我便會開心
    可以又再被你幽禁
    我為何肯 等個舊人
    誰叫我 不甘心 等你老了都等

    即使終於與她 成親

    Long Distance


    When I'm feeling blue
    Lost without a clue
    Sparks between our eyes
    Nothing can be as true

    Sing my life for you
    Paintings that I drew
    One plus one makes two
    How I wish to caress you

    Tell me where we heading to
    What we do may seem so crude
    Where's the "good" in our goodbyes
    The time you leave is the time
    You break my heart in two

    [Chorus:]
    Even though we're far apart
    Send my love with all my heart
    When you miss me at night
    Look at the stars shining bright
    For the times you pushed me through
    All the things I do for you
    Running tears from my eyes
    Thinking how will I survive
    Next goodbye

    (Repeat from top)

    (Chorus x2)

    Oooooooooh
    Goodbye...


    比我想像中愛你

    還以為我們 已早告吹
    儘管巧遇 起碼 敢面對
    誰料一眼 光影開始倒退 變得心虛
    是我沒有用 我的眼中
    熟悉俊臉 可親到 很沉痛
    誰願相信 早鬆手的擁抱 原來從未放鬆

    別怕 你舊日再好 到今天還有甚麼好
    還是我愛你愛到想不到的 幅度
    在你手得到放生 還太早
    但怕 你就是最好
    我會鄙視我 難醫好
    寧願你變化到擦身都不可 認到
    別妄想跟你有天 再共舞

    別怕 你舊日再好 到今天還有甚麼好
    還是我愛你愛到想不到的 幅度
    在你手得到放生 還太早
    但怕 你就是最好
    我會鄙視我 難醫好
    寧願你變化到擦身都不可 認到
    若你張開了兩手 也別抱

    心要幾灰 至做到

    ~That's all for now. Back to studying. Next time I'll post...Hins lyrics ^_^ ; I'm not emo. : P