*~Reasons~*

There's a reason for every forced smile
And I'm getting close to finding that answer.
There's a reason I've been through these trials.
What doesn't kill me will make me stronger.

I strive to perfect that illusion I wear
While searching for a way to break this spell.
For believing in something that wasn't there,
I hate myself for how quickly I tripped and fell.

It's not worth crying over my own pain.
I'd rather save my tears for someone worthy.
Though I admit my heart won't be the same
Because someone came and almost freed me.

I want to show him I can truly smile
Because the next time we meet may be the last.
To appear invincible, that's my style.
I want to be able to laugh at what has passed.

There's a reason for everything though it seems so unfair.
I came so close this time to finding someone who cares.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~Smile~*

Selfishly she tries to hold on to each moment---
Each moment in which she can laugh effortlessly.
If she continues to smile through hours of silence
Then that one dream can also dissolve gradually.

I wish there was a way for me to help her
But she misunderstands and twists what I say.
She hides behind that cheerful exterior...
"I am happy," she tells herself everyday.

She has accepted her inability to win
This battle between the heart and mind.
Everything she does ends up being for him---
In spite of herself she can't leave it behind.

Are people like her...rare in this time and place?
Most people can't see through that smile on her face.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~A Song~*

There's a song drifting through my window
And I waver between dream and reality.
Would anyone care to hear my solo
Accompanied by a make-believe symphony?

We can never experience total darkness
Yet we sometimes forget the smallest light.
It is not possible for me to be emotionless
But my heart no longer feels like taking flight.

No one can escape without telling a lie---
I try to rationalize what I do for that person.
I waver between really saying good-bye
And following the path to my self-destruction.

Through the window a song reaches my ears---
The same haunting tune follows me through the years.

♫~Elaine~♫

...-_-...

*~You. Again~*

Your voice always sounds the same
No matter how long we haven't spoken.
I thought my heart could forget your name.

I was wrong to follow the dream,
And stupid for walking in deeper.
I shouldn't wonder what it might mean.

I'm not sure if I feel relieved
Or disappointed with your absence.
My mask could have been believed.

Hearing you speak again tonight was enough
To bring me back to this place where I'm struggling.
I'm disappointed that I couldn't keep up the bluff.

Now I wonder if it showed on my face
And whether you could hear it in my voice.
Of course it's impossible for you to be erased.

The way you spoke to me made me think...
Did you want to talk to me a little longer?
I was scared, again, that my heart would sink.

My eyes were stinging with a single tear-
A tear that refused to leave my eyes.
I still only like you, and that's what I fear.

I wish someone could break through and save me.


*~Frustration~*

I want to be happy
So I try to make myself smile.
I thought frowning took more effort.

I want to cry sometimes
But before the tears can fall
I tell myself I'm being pitiful.

There are memories I want to hold on to
But they're already fading away.
All that time spent with him seems like a distant dream.

I want to call him but I'm afraid...
I'm scared it will make it harder for me to change.
No one says anything but I know they can tell.

I wish I could cry, even just once.
This feeling in between makes it hard to breathe.
Even when I think I'm smiling convincingly, I know it's a lie.

Being unable to cry is the most pitiful.
Trying to keep smiling is too painful.
I'm lost again, and it's frustrating.
I don't understand why I can't stop caring.

I accept my fate to be separate from his
But then, why this reaction
Just from hearing his voice again?

♫~Elaine~♫

Why. I thought I changed but I'm as weak as ever. A 1 minute phone conversation about nothing at all is enough to draw me back to this state again. 
I thought I was unable to cry but as soon as I started, I couldn't stop.  I wondered why I was crying for no reason and it only made it worse.  I hate being stupid. 

*~Reply~*

The ongoing theme of my life these days
Relies upon waiting...waiting...what for?
I don't know enough about you anymore.
This was always a dream I shouldn't chase...

My heart feels constricted but I can't cry.
When did I start caring so much only for you?
Why did it bother me, that thing you do...
I know you read everything but there's no reply.

My hands will still tremble when you come near
But it's becoming clear that we won't meet...
When you finally do reply, I can't just delete-
I always reply and wait for yours, right here.

You humor me by replying occasionally
But my hopes are raised only to be brought down.
You don't know how tightly my heart is bound.
Do you do this to me intentionally?

These feelings should have expired long ago.
I don't understand why I have to keep you close.
I don't know why the ones I love hurt me the most.
Are you subconsciously or knowingly cold?

Why won't you reply?
Why can't I cry


*~This Feeling...~*

What do you call that feeling...
How do you describe such discomfort?
It can't be the same as dying...
Yet something within seems to hurt.

What do you call this idleness...
How do you regain control of your mind?
I can't have returned to this blindness
When I was so ready to leave you behind.

What meaning is there in the words...
The messages you seem to reply reluctantly?
Maybe this self-induced pain is absurd
But who can blame an artist's own tragedy?

Is there a name, a term for this feeling...
An overflowing of emotions locked up inside?
After spending so much time self denying
When I need it the most, I'm unable to cry.

My eyes forget, the tears will be trapped forever.
What name do you give to this form of torture?

♫~Elaine~♫

本当の気持ち　～松たか子　(Matsu Takako)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WjITvu5J1o

Watashi  kitto anata wo suki ni wa naranai
Henji mo mijikai shi  yasashikunai shi
  I'm sure that I won't love you
  Your replies are short and you're not kind

Donna hito wo  anata wa suki ni naru no kana
Tabun machigai naku  sore wa watashi ja nai
  I wonder what kind of person you will love
  Probably, without a doubt, it won't be me

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Ima anata no kami ga kaze ni  sotto yureteru
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Right now, my hair is being gently swayed by the breeze

Demo kinou wakarete kara nandaka samishikute
Anata no ato wo  oikaketaku natta na
Donna hito wo  anata wa suki ni naru no kana
Kangaehajimetara  setsunaku natte kita
  But after we parted yesterday, I was kinda lonely
  and I wanted to go after you
  When I began to think about it, I got sad

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Natsu ga sugitemo  anata wa mada yasashikunai kana
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Even if summer passes by, I wonder if you still aren't kind

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Ima anata no sono tonari wo  sotto aruiteru
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Right now I'm walking quietly by your side

Watashi  ima wakatta no  kitto anata wa chigau n da
Hoka no hito to wa  chigau n da ne
  I understand now, I'm sure you're different
  You're different from other people, aren't you

Yasashikunakutemo  sorede  watashi  kamawanai
  Even if you aren't kind, I don't mind

Anata no soba ni  zutto itai  anata wo mitsumete itai
Kono omoi wo tokihanatte  sugu tsutaetai
  I want to be by your side forever,
  I want to gaze at you
  I'll set these feelings free; I want to tell you soon

Me no mae ni iru watashi wo mite  watashi itsumo konna dakedo
Sono mama no anata wo  kou shite  suki ni natta no
  Look at me, who's right in front of you
  I'm always this way, but
  I got to like you the way you are

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Ima anata no sono tonari wo  watashi  aruiteru
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Right now I'm walking by your side.

*~Circular Path~*

It may seem like I've been running in circles,
Sometimes breaking free but always returning.
Today, at least,  I stopped believing in miracles.
I think I'm convinced there's no point in waiting.

I wish I didn't always end up like this
But I'm a favored puppet in someone's hand
Up above, someone pulls my strings with their fist
Making it almost impossible for me to stand.

I've wondered before and I wonder again,
What misdeed I could've committed in my past life.
Did I betray my country or kill innocent men?
Maybe because I'm an artist I'm more prone to strife.

I know how to pick the road that would hurt most.
If I really were smart I'd avoid that dark path.
My overly dedicated heart is not an asset to boast
Even though it remains true when it's broken in half.

The circular path that I'm traveling on
Ascertains I can't stay content for long.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~I'll Try Not To...~*

I'll try not to believe in fairy tales anymore
Because I know reality doesn't work that way.
It's time for the childhood dreams to be ignored
And to accept the fact that they're fading away.

I'll try not to believe you're the Prince anymore ---
The one who'd be different from all the rest.
Any hope that you'd rescue me should be ignored.
Maybe your presence was only a part of my test.

I'll try not to believe that voice anymore ---
Who whispers in my heart that I still care.
Those thoughts, these feelings must be ignored.
For me, to fall so far from my tower is rare.

I shouldn't have looked beyond my stone window sill.
Even though I say I won't wait, you know I still will.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~What to do...~*

I can't help it---my façade breaks down.
I can't hold up this act for that long.
I'll try my best not to make a sound.
I'll try to tell my heart you don't belong.

Too many songs make me think of you.
Too many cars drive by like you used to.
Too many memories won't let me through
But though you've returned, what can I do?

I'm waiting futilely always for your call.
I'm waiting because there's no choice.
I can't help it---the deepest, hardest fall.
I can't change the wish to hear your voice.

I don't want to think of how you don't care.
I don't want to think how my feelings are bared.
I don't want to think of how you're never there
When I need someone to hold me---only empty air.

I always stay up asking no one in particular
These same questions that float around inside:
Wouldn't it be better for him to kill me faster?
Was it really worth it to sacrifice my pride?

I don't know anymore. What should I do?
I've tried so hard but I'm still stuck on you.

♫~Elaine~♫

un giorno più...

*~To Blame You~*

I fell down today ---
Literally. Not figuratively.
It's so easy to put the blame on you.

Bleeding like this is okay.
These cuts don't hurt so badly.
The stinging helps take my mind off you.

I'm waiting for this blood to clot.
Real pain hurts less than I thought.

The skin will heal one day,
Unlike the hole you'll leave in me.
Cleaning a wound is a painful thing to do.

No bones were broken today.
It's my own fault for treading carelessly.
I wish it really was easy to always blame you.

I'll pretend that my foot didn't get caught
Because I was thinking of you as I walked.

♫~Elaine~♫

The structure of this one's a little different~ 8th day ~ ...

*~I.M.U.~*

Knowing nothing about how you feel
All I can do is go on like always.
Maybe you'll eventually change your mind.

I will miss you as long as I can't heal.

More than anyone else before you
I think it's you I'll remember always
So even if you choose to stay behind
Someone here will still care about you.

Yes, I know you've only been gone a few days.
Only a dumb girl gets confused with what's real.
Unlikely to change, I won't leave you behind.

Barely able to stand by my lie
All the others are hiding their pity.
Knowing nothing about how you feel,
All I can do is go on like always.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~1000 Faces~*

From her balcony she could see them all:
One thousand choices gathered before her,
But none of them had the power to make her fall
Because she did not wish to do so any longer.

There were those who pitied their Princess
Who insisted sincerely that all was well.
There were those who believed she was hopeless
But in the end no one could really tell.

Within the crowd of one thousand faces,
She won't look too closely in case he is there.
She would remember how her heart races
If she saw him again ~a dream so rare.

Five days go by as she forces herself to see without seeing.
She reassures her people that a good change is happening.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~No One~*

I'm beginning to see a light in this tunnel.
It makes no sense to keep digging deeper.
It's as if I was seeing you through a funnel.
Other than you, everyone else was a blur.

There is only so much a heart can take
Before it shuts down and stops feeling.
It is at this point that the brain will wake
And the ice inside will start reforming.

I believe I've found a favorable solution
That will revive my common sense:
Whenever you're near there's always confusion,
So I'll try harder to keep my distance.

No one should be more important to me than me.
I've been neglecting myself for you stupidly.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~Even Starlight Fades Eventually~*

Even starlight fades eventually
As the energy is lost to space.
Even if I wish to wait for you eternally
One day you will be replaced.

What is the difference between three days, three light years?
There is no immediate need to make this pain disappear.

Even a stone will melt eventually
When enough force is applied.
I still pray your heart will change for me
But I'll patiently take it all in stride.

The life of a star: is it too short or too long?
Will you and I be able to forget that one song?

Even the oceans will dry up eventually.
In this world changes are inevitable.
Even my tears won't be able to fall endlessly.
Soon I'll realize my stupidity is laughable.

Do you think I'm capable of outliving the star?
When you look, you'll still see my light from afar.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~The Dreamer~*

I tend to be the dreamer
Always hoping for love to find her.
I try to become stronger
Only to find myself falling faster.

My life is not bad, in reality
But i make myself suffer subconsciously.
Why do I always fall so completely?
How is it possible, I still dream wistfully?

I have to pretend I'm happy this way
So that you can still be here, so that you'll stay.
My heart holds on to each word you say.
Because of you I end up thinking too much every day.

I can't stop being the dreamer who falls in too deeply.
I'm sorry I still dream you'll be the one who'll save me.

♫~Elaine~♫   

*~My Problem~*

I can blame you all I want
But deep down I know it's my own problem.
I let myself down by letting you in.
My head couldn't hold on to logic and reason.

From now until whenever
I know you'll be important in my eyes
But you won't hear these words
I choose to try so hard to shut up inside.

It may seem sad to think about
How little you know and how you don't seem to care
But the saddest thing of all
Is I'm letting myself feel something you don't share.

While you're away this can be my test.
How long can my heart survive without hearing from you?
I'll try my best to keep everything hidden
But these words will still form when there's nothing to do.

It's my problem - I should keep it inside and hold on to it selfishly.
Even if you knew, nothing would change between you and me.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~Does it Really Matter?~*

How many days have gone by since his departure?
It does not matter how often she checks the calendar.
She wonders what she did to deserve every thorn---
Each dream draws near only to be torn.

With only herself to blame she keeps on waiting ---
If only she created a stronger fortress in the beginning
No one should have been able to unbind her.
No one should have ever been able to move her.

How many days before he'll return once more?
The days still continue unchanged as before.
In her cold stone chamber she remains unmoved
As her knight's existence goes on unproved.

She is forced subconsciously to think of him only.
Every few minutes his image crosses her mind briefly.
Allowing her mind to wander near his dream,
She stabs her own wounds from within.

How many days since their words were exchanged?
Does it really matter if his heart cannot be changed?

♫~Elaine~♫

now I should be able to study haha... -_-'

*~Waiting for the Rain~*

A figure is seated over there in the distance.
She seems to be waiting for something.
She sits there for hours with the same expression...
Her face...Would you call it smiling?

The wind whips her hair out of place
But she keeps staring ahead.
I see the same frozen smile on her face
As her eyes slowly turn red.

I run to her as dark clouds are coming
But the rain is what she's waiting for.
When tears from the sky begin descending
She won't have to hide hers anymore.

Two figures are seated, veiled by rain water.
I watch droplets fall from her eyes and shatter.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~Unable~*

Unable to change the expression on her face
On days spent by herself
She struggles to keep her smile in place
Just in case he is looking her way.

She tries to become someone who he'll chase.
Unable to find another way
She will keep waiting, just in case,
Her patience proves worthwhile.

She appreciates the empty space
He'll surely leave someday.
She won't be able to forget his face
Even long after she must leave.

Because his presence is something special,
For the time being she'll choose to be hopeful.

♫~Elaine~♫


Don't worry~ it's just a poem ^_^ Everything is ok now
Soon exams will be over and I can paint again~
I can immerse myself in novels again~
I can focus on my beloved language studies again~
I can resurrect my Yamapi dream again~
I can watch dramas again~
Everyone deserves to be happy ^_^ Everyone should be happy~
Smiling takes less energy than frowning~

so...in the words of Josh Groban (and Charlie Chapman)....

♫ ~Smile though your heart is aching
Smile even though it's breaking~
When there are clouds in the sky you'll get by.

If you smile through your fear and sorrow
Smile and maybe tomorrow
You'll see the sun come shining through for you

Light up your face with gladness
Hide every trace of sadness
Although a tear may be ever so near
That's the time you must keep on trying
Smile what's the use of crying
You'll find that life is still worthwhile
If you just smile. ~♫

^_^