...-_-...

*~You. Again~*

Your voice always sounds the same
No matter how long we haven't spoken.
I thought my heart could forget your name.

I was wrong to follow the dream,
And stupid for walking in deeper.
I shouldn't wonder what it might mean.

I'm not sure if I feel relieved
Or disappointed with your absence.
My mask could have been believed.

Hearing you speak again tonight was enough
To bring me back to this place where I'm struggling.
I'm disappointed that I couldn't keep up the bluff.

Now I wonder if it showed on my face
And whether you could hear it in my voice.
Of course it's impossible for you to be erased.

The way you spoke to me made me think...
Did you want to talk to me a little longer?
I was scared, again, that my heart would sink.

My eyes were stinging with a single tear-
A tear that refused to leave my eyes.
I still only like you, and that's what I fear.

I wish someone could break through and save me.


*~Frustration~*

I want to be happy
So I try to make myself smile.
I thought frowning took more effort.

I want to cry sometimes
But before the tears can fall
I tell myself I'm being pitiful.

There are memories I want to hold on to
But they're already fading away.
All that time spent with him seems like a distant dream.

I want to call him but I'm afraid...
I'm scared it will make it harder for me to change.
No one says anything but I know they can tell.

I wish I could cry, even just once.
This feeling in between makes it hard to breathe.
Even when I think I'm smiling convincingly, I know it's a lie.

Being unable to cry is the most pitiful.
Trying to keep smiling is too painful.
I'm lost again, and it's frustrating.
I don't understand why I can't stop caring.

I accept my fate to be separate from his
But then, why this reaction
Just from hearing his voice again?

♫~Elaine~♫

Why. I thought I changed but I'm as weak as ever. A 1 minute phone conversation about nothing at all is enough to draw me back to this state again. 
I thought I was unable to cry but as soon as I started, I couldn't stop.  I wondered why I was crying for no reason and it only made it worse.  I hate being stupid. 

*~Reply~*

The ongoing theme of my life these days
Relies upon waiting...waiting...what for?
I don't know enough about you anymore.
This was always a dream I shouldn't chase...

My heart feels constricted but I can't cry.
When did I start caring so much only for you?
Why did it bother me, that thing you do...
I know you read everything but there's no reply.

My hands will still tremble when you come near
But it's becoming clear that we won't meet...
When you finally do reply, I can't just delete-
I always reply and wait for yours, right here.

You humor me by replying occasionally
But my hopes are raised only to be brought down.
You don't know how tightly my heart is bound.
Do you do this to me intentionally?

These feelings should have expired long ago.
I don't understand why I have to keep you close.
I don't know why the ones I love hurt me the most.
Are you subconsciously or knowingly cold?

Why won't you reply?
Why can't I cry


*~This Feeling...~*

What do you call that feeling...
How do you describe such discomfort?
It can't be the same as dying...
Yet something within seems to hurt.

What do you call this idleness...
How do you regain control of your mind?
I can't have returned to this blindness
When I was so ready to leave you behind.

What meaning is there in the words...
The messages you seem to reply reluctantly?
Maybe this self-induced pain is absurd
But who can blame an artist's own tragedy?

Is there a name, a term for this feeling...
An overflowing of emotions locked up inside?
After spending so much time self denying
When I need it the most, I'm unable to cry.

My eyes forget, the tears will be trapped forever.
What name do you give to this form of torture?

♫~Elaine~♫

本当の気持ち　～松たか子　(Matsu Takako)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0WjITvu5J1o

Watashi  kitto anata wo suki ni wa naranai
Henji mo mijikai shi  yasashikunai shi
  I'm sure that I won't love you
  Your replies are short and you're not kind

Donna hito wo  anata wa suki ni naru no kana
Tabun machigai naku  sore wa watashi ja nai
  I wonder what kind of person you will love
  Probably, without a doubt, it won't be me

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Ima anata no kami ga kaze ni  sotto yureteru
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Right now, my hair is being gently swayed by the breeze

Demo kinou wakarete kara nandaka samishikute
Anata no ato wo  oikaketaku natta na
Donna hito wo  anata wa suki ni naru no kana
Kangaehajimetara  setsunaku natte kita
  But after we parted yesterday, I was kinda lonely
  and I wanted to go after you
  When I began to think about it, I got sad

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Natsu ga sugitemo  anata wa mada yasashikunai kana
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Even if summer passes by, I wonder if you still aren't kind

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Ima anata no sono tonari wo  sotto aruiteru
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Right now I'm walking quietly by your side

Watashi  ima wakatta no  kitto anata wa chigau n da
Hoka no hito to wa  chigau n da ne
  I understand now, I'm sure you're different
  You're different from other people, aren't you

Yasashikunakutemo  sorede  watashi  kamawanai
  Even if you aren't kind, I don't mind

Anata no soba ni  zutto itai  anata wo mitsumete itai
Kono omoi wo tokihanatte  sugu tsutaetai
  I want to be by your side forever,
  I want to gaze at you
  I'll set these feelings free; I want to tell you soon

Me no mae ni iru watashi wo mite  watashi itsumo konna dakedo
Sono mama no anata wo  kou shite  suki ni natta no
  Look at me, who's right in front of you
  I'm always this way, but
  I got to like you the way you are

Mou sugu  futari ni hajimete natsu ga yatte kuru n da
Ima anata no sono tonari wo  watashi  aruiteru
  In a little while, the first summer will come to us
  Right now I'm walking by your side.

*~Circular Path~*

It may seem like I've been running in circles,
Sometimes breaking free but always returning.
Today, at least,  I stopped believing in miracles.
I think I'm convinced there's no point in waiting.

I wish I didn't always end up like this
But I'm a favored puppet in someone's hand
Up above, someone pulls my strings with their fist
Making it almost impossible for me to stand.

I've wondered before and I wonder again,
What misdeed I could've committed in my past life.
Did I betray my country or kill innocent men?
Maybe because I'm an artist I'm more prone to strife.

I know how to pick the road that would hurt most.
If I really were smart I'd avoid that dark path.
My overly dedicated heart is not an asset to boast
Even though it remains true when it's broken in half.

The circular path that I'm traveling on
Ascertains I can't stay content for long.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~I'll Try Not To...~*

I'll try not to believe in fairy tales anymore
Because I know reality doesn't work that way.
It's time for the childhood dreams to be ignored
And to accept the fact that they're fading away.

I'll try not to believe you're the Prince anymore ---
The one who'd be different from all the rest.
Any hope that you'd rescue me should be ignored.
Maybe your presence was only a part of my test.

I'll try not to believe that voice anymore ---
Who whispers in my heart that I still care.
Those thoughts, these feelings must be ignored.
For me, to fall so far from my tower is rare.

I shouldn't have looked beyond my stone window sill.
Even though I say I won't wait, you know I still will.

♫~Elaine~♫

*~What to do...~*

I can't help it---my façade breaks down.
I can't hold up this act for that long.
I'll try my best not to make a sound.
I'll try to tell my heart you don't belong.

Too many songs make me think of you.
Too many cars drive by like you used to.
Too many memories won't let me through
But though you've returned, what can I do?

I'm waiting futilely always for your call.
I'm waiting because there's no choice.
I can't help it---the deepest, hardest fall.
I can't change the wish to hear your voice.

I don't want to think of how you don't care.
I don't want to think how my feelings are bared.
I don't want to think of how you're never there
When I need someone to hold me---only empty air.

I always stay up asking no one in particular
These same questions that float around inside:
Wouldn't it be better for him to kill me faster?
Was it really worth it to sacrifice my pride?

I don't know anymore. What should I do?
I've tried so hard but I'm still stuck on you.

♫~Elaine~♫