wrote last night~ this could be part 2 to *~Immobile~* perhaps... :P

*~Just Like Before~*

She stares intently into the cold darkness
Willing her candle to reveal his face.
The flame flickers in and out of existence
As she remains transfixed to this place.

From a distance she sees a stronger light -
It was also calling out to this man.
Just like before she is too weak to fight.
She steps away from the edge where she stands.

Her candle's light was almost awakened
But she became afraid once more.
What she thinks may have been mistaken
But she's convinced it's just like before.

Just like before she will jump to this conclusion,
Always coming painfully close to find he's an illusion.

♫~Elaine~♫

wrote last night~ enjoy ^_^

*~Blank Canvas~*

She wrote his name on the back of the canvas
Not knowing if she could paint for someone again.
Complex feelings mixed with her memories
Once more her heart's lead astray, stranded.

The canvas remains just the same as before
Hidden away from her line of vision.
She can paint easily for anyone else
But for him she can't lift her brush anymore.

maybe she chooses to live life painfully.
Does this make her a true artist?
Or is she simply afraid she's only human.
Maybe love is more meaningful as a tragedy.

The blank canvas is still patiently waiting there
For the beautiful colours of hope and despair.

♫~Elaine~♫

just wrote this a few minutes ago~~guess I can go to sleep earlier tonight haha

*~Immobile~*

Unable to sleep she crept out into the night
With a candle that is resistant to the flame.
She wanders blindly by the scarce street lights
Unaware that her heart has been changed.

The mid-winter wind tonight cuts through her
And yet she continues to stumble mindlessly.
There's a voice which draws her closer and closer,
An imaginary warmth sings out invitingly.

Before long she has been brought to this place.
Again she will seek help from a stranger.
Perhaps the candle's flame will show her his face-
The face of the man who will save her.

The candle remains unlit in her trembling hands
She is unable to move forward
From the edge where she stands.

♫~Elaine~♫

wrote last night~

*~The Reason She Studies~*

Lost within languages she cannot yet comprehend
She wills herself to recover the harmony lost.
The complexity of words and the need to understand
Are barely enough to divert all other thoughts.

She questions every message and every emotion.
Why does she laugh, frown, smile, or cry?
Her mind wanders off alone in contemplation
Unable to retain waht she tries to hold inside.

Foreign signs and symbols, expressions and words
Are easy enough to learn and decode,
But the doubt voiced silently within her churns
As even the cards cannot she what will unfold.

Her studies break down barriers while she becomes veiled.
She may speak many tongues, but her love remains pale.

♫~Elaine~♫

wrote this last night around....2? lol look what this Christmas brought to me...just kidding haha I'm totally just melodramatic~~

*~Heart of Pins~*

Although he has not yet sliced right through,
He unknowingly struck her heart full of pins.
In her silent battle the pain is renewed
And she fights once again, as dreams tumble and spin.

To force happiness back into her life
She loses herself in the foreign words.
She stands alone again, clutching the knife
As reality and fantasy cut through each other.

No one believes in her act anymore.
They can see through all the lies.
Her imitation of a smile is so poor,
With each attempt a part of her dies.

The pins can't be felt if she keeps her mind moving
But right now in her heart, the pain is pulsing.

♫~Elaine~♫

wrote this morning~ even though I usually write late at night haha

*~In Waiting~*

These moments I spend in waiting
Are worthwhile, I tell myself.
These wishes and prayers are escaping,
From within they chime like bells.

The strength I try to show on my face
Will become real as long as I try.
The memories I hide cannot be erased
But they are no longer excuses to cry.

The one thing missing is worth waiting for.
There is still time, I believe.
I can't protect my heart from them anymore
But this time I won't be deceived.

I don't mind always being the one waiting like this
Because someday, someone will grant me my wish.

♫~Elaine~♫

Hey hey hey~ here's a new poem I wrote last night :)

*~Just for Today~*

Just for today I will give in to my weakness
And acknowledge what your presence means to me.
The one I think of as I stand in the coldness
Is the one I shouldn't have fallen for so easily.

Just for today I'll admit that I lied
But I'm not ready to endure anymore pain.
The sorrow I've held all along inside
Accumulates as I avoid everything in vain.

I scared myself today when I saw my reflection.
How easily and naturally my smile appeared!
Is this what I wish for? My perfect deception?
Can an illusion overwrite the truth that I fear?

Just for today I will say your name bravely.
My secret wish is for you to save me.

♫~Elaine~♫

wrote this last night~ didn't realize I gave it such a sad title till now haha...maybe I should change it later >_< anyway~ enjoy!

*~Grave of Dreams~*

It's slowly becoming more difficult
To ignore the things my heart screams.
I've returned to that place in a memory
Where I collect the shattering dreams.

Their voices warn me to keep the gate closed
If I don't want my heart to change.
The lie I lived with so comfortably
Now seems so childish and strange.

Whether I think too much or too little,
My heart has been opened again.
I've returned to this vulnerable place
Knowing I will be hurt in the end.

I fear that place, my grave of dreams.
This too, will shatter as my heart screams.

♫~Elaine~♫

new poem I wrote last night~~ enjoy ^_^ please comment and let me know what you think :) haven't been able to write anything for a while now!

*~This December~*

Will it be alright for me to continue this way
Down a path I feel I've walked before?
Will every memory I held so closely betray
How much I wish I could live for more?

When I feel myself smile at the little things
Which I suddenly remember,
There's a tint of bitterness that always wins
As I try to survive this December.

I can repeatedly ask myself the same questions
And change my answers each time,
But I know my heart has formed its confession,
Too soon again the pain is all mine.

This December, I thought, would be different
But my weakness is there despite my resistance.

♫~Elaine~♫

Is it necessary for people to fall in love?
How can you tell if you've fallen? 
Does it more painful to find out the truth, or wait for the truth to be uncovered?

Why did my heart weaken at such a crucial time of the year?
How did I let someone break that shield I painstakingly built around my heart?
Why am I scared to think of the possibility? 

I know I'm not the only one who gets confused
But why does it seem my stories always end unhappily?
I was better off throwing my feelings at someone I knew would never be here
At least there was no confusion there. 

I thought I was stronger than this. 
I hate myself for letting someone in again.
I almost made it through the whole year in one piece.
I thought my dedication to Yamapi would be unshakable.

No one can possibly know what will happen tomorrow
But I've learned not to have too much faith in "love"
I am disappointed in myself
My true self.

I've learned that actions and words can be misleading.
I wonder if mine are the source of confusion for another as well.
Why can't I go on living like I have been all year?
Does reality really need to pull me out of my dream?

I try to preoccupy myself with other things
But the harder I try, the more futile it seems.
Why do I always fall so quickly. 
For that, I hate myself.

I've had many dreams destroyed in the past
No child hood romance
No high school romance
But that's fine because I can be immersed in the dramas
For a person who has always been part of a one-sided love story
It really is pathetic how I've already given up. 
It can't be helped though, if I always fell for the wrong guy. 
So can anyone really blame me now for being afraid?

I recovered each time and grew stronger, I thought,
But all I did each time was build another wall to hide behind.
I hate how weak I actually am.
I was pretty good at lying to myself. 

I wanted to be the happy person, the strong person.
I'm the person people can always talk to when they're down.
Sometimes I forget that I can talk to people too
And as a result all my thoughts churn inside
Until I end up writing these things down. 

Is it too much to ask for? Someone who loves me?
Someone who will fight for me and make me feel like I'm important to him?
Maybe I'm only in love with the concept of love.
Which also makes me afraid...what if I keep almost falling in love and then give up?

I had a list of standards but who knew it was so easy to bypass the most fundamental ones.
I'm happier when my heart isn't on the line like this...
This is beyond lame.
Why am I weak.

Somewhere down the road I started to assume the worst would happen.
I know I'm a good person and friendly to everyone
But that doesn't mean anyone could possibly like me more than the friend that I am.
Why does it seem like Yamapi has abandoned me...

I think it's dangerous for me to become too close to certain people.
I thought he would be okay.  I thought I didn't feel anything.
And maybe I don't.  Then what's making me so upset?
I want to return to the way I was before.

Why are people so confusing? Why can't we just say what we honestly feel?
Why does it seem like I'm always the one who suffers while the guy doesn't care?
Why do I believe in things like astrology? Tarot cards? Horoscopes?
How can he possibly bother me this much without knowing it.
It's not fair.

He somehow woke me from my dream
And now I realize to what extent I was lying to myself.
Have you ever tried to fall back to sleep, to continue that dream you were having?
I don't know if it would be more depressing to return to a lie, or prepare to be hurt again.

Because I've lost hope in myself (concerning relationships anyway,)
It will be up to that someone to save me....whenever he decides to show up.
Each time I let my heart fall I retreat deeper into my shell.
That someone will have to be really obvious if he wants me to believe he likes me
Because even if his actions seem obvious, I will always doubt what they could mean. 

In the meantime I'm trying my hardest to rebuild my Yamapi shield~
I know I'll need it again. 
I love writing poetry but I think I've written enough depressing ones already.
Please spare my heart this time Kami-sama T_T

Well now that I've gotten all that out, I feel a little better.  Goes to show that you really shouldn't keep your problems to yourself eh? Now I can go study and not think about other stuff.  I choose to believe that I'm strong enough to be by myself.  Who needs guys psh.  Not me.  >_<
I really should fix my heart though, it's probably not healthy to be affected so easily...*sigh* I'm so dumb.  and yes, I know it's pathetic to give up before I even try but HEY I think past experiences have accumulated into a kind of phobia.  haha~

This will probably be imported into facebook but I banned myself from facebook until tomorrow so I'll have to remove this note from there later....luckily not many people visit my msn space haha~~

Ok studying time begins!  No more thinking of the unasked, unanswered questions...no speculating. no nothing.  No guy should ever be allowed to enter my heart again.  Except Yamapi. >_<